Here we go ... AGAIN.

Its been a while since I last posted. Working as usual like a workaholic.

But yup. I feel hurt again. Its all about making the wrong choices of friends and probably treating others who probably don't really deserve that kinda care and concern from me.

At times I thought, if you really care and cherish this friendship, you would have at least dropped me a note to say 'hi.. how are you and all' but you didn't. Busy Busy Busy. I am busy too but I took the effort to spend time doing small little things for you and you. We call ourselves buddies.. you said you won't abandon me like how the rest did but in the end what happened? I am all alone, not sure who I can turn to and people who I would I like to talk to simply have no time for me, cos they probably have other things now.

Is this really what we call friends or really just friends on FACEBOOK? or am I just doing too much and expecting too much?

I got to admit... it feels terrible these days. You so much wanted to find your friends but you duno who you want to contact, not because you have alot but some simply bo chup you, and probably never reply you. Maybe I take the friendship between us as something very important and maybe to you its just another 'friendship'.

I am not sure but for this is:
I am telling myself that you and you will be the last. I won't want to think that I am disturbing you, I won't want to think that I am wasting your time, I won't want to think that you really treated me as a very close friend cos it doesn't seems to be the case.

I need to spend more time for myself. I have been doing much for others. I am not asking for anything fantastic in return. All I asked for is the care and concern. But it a message or what, it simply brightens up my day but so far, as my friend you have failed the basic needs to even communicate and its a disappointment. I think it's gonna be a while before I would want to talk to you and you. By then, we could have just drifted apart just like how it happened for Y and K.

Move on I have been telling myself. I will make my life.. better without you.

Eat and.. Sleep

Dinner @ Tam Po Po Liang Court and Ice Cream @ Haagen Dazs Clarke Quay.

Still it didn't really make me feel any better like seriously.

Time to sleep.

"Somebody"

Its been a while since I blogged. Have been coming home late from social activities like makan and run or simply back home and just wanted to spend some time with myself by watching some dramas and etc instead of starring at the bloody screen all the time.

Anyway... its just a random feeling.. that kind of day where you're feeling very down about yourself. I guess the song by Depeche Mode "Somebody" simply describes how I feel now.

Bad Mood Day

Just when I was trying to tell my BFF to cheer up cos its a cheery day for me, things got bad out of sudden and hell I say I am in a really bad and frustrated mood.

It really sucks. Seriously. Backache, Headache, Irritating co-workers. FML

Love and Hate. Hate

It just came across my mind that perhaps I shouldn't be giving out so much love and concern only to not receive anything in return. I know one shouldn't have expectations but somehow an act of concern, be it "how are you" or "have you eaten" beats anything in the world money can buy.

Yes. I don't expect people to treat me nor buy me stuffs to show that they care. All I am asking for is just form of care and concern.

However I guess I having been giving out too much and never had the chance to really love ... MYSELF. It's time I should put you and everything other thing behind and to perhaps spend more time to love myself and hate the rest of the world.

This kinda thinking will sort of help me better in moving on.. be it to somewhere or something else.

Love and Hate. I now choose ... HATE.

Roller Coaster Weekend

It has been quite a hell of a roller coaster ride this weekend...

I guess I have some sort irritated someone or maybe the person is just too busy to reply my messages but somehow yeah.. I kinda feel bad about it.

Spent Saturday morning cleaning up the room and lazing around without any meals. Simply don't have the appetite for any food.. perhaps I was just feeling emoey and all this weekend. Was supposed to go out but ended staying at home.. watching Eat, Pray, Love.

Dinner was at Paradise Inn at Simei East Point to celebrate my mum's birthday with my brother. But somehow my mum kinda messed it up by saying some stuffs to me that I felt, wasn't sensitive at all. I am not sure if they had even care about how I feel but well... I have gotten over it I guess. Spent the rest of the night reading a book before going to sleep with pain.

Ran 21km this morning at MR with some good company for the first few km. Attendance wasn't that fantastic but I guess I'm ok. Its the company that matters the most. Heard about some unpleasant stuffs and also got reminded of the past and it just triggered some thoughts to me... and that if I'm a really bad friend? A friend that deserves to be forgotten just because some other people have done more than me for you? A friend that does not deserve any care and concern from you? A friend that you guys can simply dump without saying anything? I thought I had done ALOT ALOT ALOT for you guys but it seems that its not enough. Disappointing to know that you feel that others are doing ALOT more for you. In the first place, why had this friend ship then? Why make me spend so much time to get everyone together to only find you guys leaving me alone to do it all by myself?

I kinda hate this emoey feeling but I really can't help. I have friends who we used to call ourselves buddies but they had walked in ... and then walked out of my life without leaving a note to say why. Perhaps you have your own personal interests and development to take care of, but as a friend, and someone who you call a buddy, shouldn't you do the least bit to remember me? I have done all I could for you and I can tell everyone I have not done anything WRONG to get this from you.

Its a sad lesson learnt. One that perhaps teaches me not to put in so much effort in relationships because not everyone appreciates what you have done for them, including your own family.

Perhaps in the near future, I shouldn't rely so much on others anymore. Afterall, they may have their own life to think about rather than thinking of a friend like you. Maybe I should start to be a bitch.. and isolate myself or distance myself from some of those I love... cos I really duno when they will turn around and start hurting me instead.

Kill me please

Not in the best of moods today. Having a really bad pain and pondering on what you have said. Maybe it wasn't entirely meant to be what was said.. or I may have just interpreted it wrongly. Irregardless.. it kinda made the rest of the day very bad and emoey.

To make things worst, I am having a very very bad abdominal pain at the moment. Kill me please.

Terry's Virgin Ride... RIGHT

Woke up early this morning at 5.30am.. can't really sleep as I was kinda excited about the "Terry's Virgin Ride" event. LOL.

I was kinda stress and worried at the same time cos I have not really ride with my besties before and I am still very intimidated by the road monsters.. aka cars, buses, taxis and lorries. Practically everything!

Well.. the ride didn't really went as smoothly as expected. The first thing that occured... I cycled halfway and the traffic lights turned green for the cars. It got me real scared! Soon things started to stabilise till Freddie told me about changing bike gear and all. I know nuts about it so took me a while to figure out. (At the moment of writing, I am still figuring out). The slopes at Loyang went fine till Freddie got a flat tyre!

Ahhh! My bad. I feel so jinxed that I kinda ruined his virgin ride too on his new Blackie Prince. So Spencer came along to pick us up and we proceeded to cycle without Freddie. Met up with Weisian, Dave and Charmane and yeah cycling ain't as easy as I thought it was. I was struggling to keep up during the first 6km of the Coastal Stretch. Again, worried with the traffic, worried with the over taking cyclists and worried as a whole.. Survived my 6km but ta dah! Another turn of event was about to happen when we are heading back towards Selarang, I sort of turned into a hole and got a flat on my front tyres.

Badshape is me. Dave had to forgot his ride and fetch me to Changi Village to meet up with the rest to fix my tyre! =( Again, feeling so jinxed, so stress and so bad that I kinda ruin everyone's Saturday morning ride. :(

We had nasi lemak and all.. fixed my bike and all and then me and Fred continued our ride back. The rest of the afternoon was spent sleeping, having "afternoon mares" on falling and crashing and having to bear with all the quarreling at home. Sometimes I wished I can have some peace during my weekends..

Thats more or less my "Virgin" ride on 26th Feb 2011. I am still stress and sore of course and am gonna sleep soon! Tomorrow's gonna have a morning run at ECP and I hope it will be a good one! :)

I survived my first day back at work!

I checked my work emails regularly and on my 2nd day of leave at home... I skipped doing it as I was too engrossed in trying to get the web site done and also to go out for a run with my TE kakis.

When I returned from my run.. and tried to open my email. I was greeted by a disgusting download of 267 emails! Some were notifications and all but yes, the number is still pretty disgusting that I quickly closed it upon completion of download.

This morning when I went back to work.. I started clearing though I had limited time to do so as I had a meeting at 11am, then lunch with customer till 2pm, interview at 2pm then have to leave work at 6pm and during 2pm to 6pm, I was busy executing requests for sms and email blasting for the day. Couldn't really do much except to squeeze in a 30minute to discuss project specifications before my 11am meeting.

As of date, I have cleared quite a number but I told myself to quickly blog an entry before I get tired and all!

Massage was exceptionally good today. I even had the energy to read a book during the massage though it was really really very painful. Received gifts from colleagues today as well for my birthday and yeah, I kinda feel bad getting the gift but appreciate it nevertheless.

For now, I shall continue to reply some more emails before knocking out on my bed. 2 more days to go to another 2 more days of rest. Ahhh if only every week is this short. :)

Insomnia

Its 3.30am and I can't sleep. Was doing something just now and it sort of pour over and before I know.. its already 3am. Tried lying down, toss and turn and no I am still awake.

The worst is someone is in my head and I am trying so so hard to get it off. Sigh. Think its the effects of watching too many dramas. It has gotten me emoey and all. I want to walk out of this alive cos this is something that shouldn't have started or even happen in the first place. I don't wish to lose you but I don't want to want you too.

Thats life. I am made to go through ups and down all the time. I am not sure how long i can survive this. Like what I had wished for in my previous post. I hope its gonna be a bright and sunny day later.

First Day of Leave For 2011

My first day on leave for 2011, right after my big day.

Woke up first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee and breakfast with mum at the coffeeshop. It has been a while since I have a chance to accompany her for meals and I am glad to have done it today.

Spent the rest of the time catching up with my BFF Charmane and BFFBF Freddie on MSN and also clearing my work for the day before leaving home to queue for Koi and to send parts of the Domo Cake to Darren at Wisma. :)

Came back home after seeing him for a while. Was supposed to meet Dave after that to go running lab to buy my bike shorts but sadly the sales guy not around to help (give me the discount that is).

Now I am just done with some design stuffs for the new ST Web Site. And will continue with it after this entry.

My Weather Forecast for today:

Bright and Sunny. It seems to match my mood for today. Will this weather last till tomorrow? I hope so. It will be my 2nd day of rest before heading back to work on Wednesday. I hope I can get all smiles, cheery, yellow, bright and sunny for tomorrow.

Happy Birthday!

20th Feb 2011 marks the beginning of a whole new chapter for me.

It's my birthday today and I am filled with lots of love, care and concern from my friends and loved ones. My guys at work, Jonathan, Mars, Gilbert and Romi got me a cake on Friday to celebrate my Birthday. Darren, my awesomeness celebrated almost the whole of Saturday with me with lunch and shopping. Spencer, Charmane and Freddie surprised me by completing my bike on my birthday and delivering it to me! And the awesome lunch company with Beng, Suan, Dave, Weisian, Loh, Jancy, Spencer, Charmane and Freddie at a vegetarian restaurant and ice cream at island cremery. Not forgetting the special Domo Birthday Cake that they have made for me. They really made my day so so special.

With the awesome loads of celebration, it seems that the age 29 will be a good one for year 2011. Work has been rough and tough for the past 4 months. I have met with alot of People Relations problem at work that seems to be my greatest enemy at work. I have a soft spot for trying to make everyone happy, though it seems that it is really not possible for that to happen. Relations with people who I am pretty closed to has turned sour recently because of work. I am still trying my best to salvage the situation and I hope as time goes by, people can learn to let go and look ahead. We are afterall going after the same goal, and that is to get our work done for the betterment of the company.

The work load of course seems to be never ending for me but I guess work is good as it helps to stop me from thinking of too many other things. However, I hope I can have a better and manageable workload soon. There are far too many things on my head to be done.

Family has never been good, especially with the old man giving me more problems everyday. I really hope to let things go and forgive and forget but each time I do that, he just have to do something that pisses me off. I really hope this will be over soon and that we can all function happily together as a family.

Personal Relations has not been good and of course this I leave it to fate. If its destined that I am gonna be alone, I shall of course embrace myself for that in the near future, especially when age is catching up on me.

I also looked back in 2010 on some of the things that I have missed. I missed my buddy YN. We were pretty closed but out of sudden, dynamics between us changed as fast as lightning, communications stopped and the distance between us got wider and wider. I cherished the friendship as much as I cherished those with Charmane and Spencer. YN is like a sister to me, someone who I confides and share my problems with alot. Its sad that I have to let go of this friendship and to see it become what it is today. Till then, should you (and keonz) still remember me, do buzz me. We may have differences in specific thinking, but I do cherish the friendship.

There are also among other things which I hope I can achieve, like bike, swim and run and perhaps do a triathlon. To get my hair fix and of course to lose weight and live a happier healthier me.

I do hope the next time I visit my blog to post another entry. Things would have improved, especially for work at 5 to 10 percent.

Once again, Happy Sweet Birthday to Me. :)

Happiness seems so far away...

I am like supposed to post a blog on my Christmas and New Year Celebration as well my reflections for 2010. But sigh. I have been so exhausted that I didn't really have much of a chance to do so.

Just a random thought, or perhaps something that happened earlier on after run triggered this thought.. that I feel so lonely deep inside me. I want to feel love and be loved..

Stress is me with all the work piling up everyday. I really hope to get things done REAL soon. Time to continue working. :(